On the last trip I worked — over the Christmas/Hannukah holiday — I worked with a flight attendant who came to work sick. Billy was more than sick, he looked like he was about to die.
Do you hear that clock ticking? No… it’s not your biological clock. Or maybe it is — I don’t know. If so, that’s something you will have to discuss with someone else. I am here to talk about the clock that’s ticking towards the holiday season. Whether you celebrate or worship: Hanukkah, Jesus Christ, Mohammad, Kwanzaa, L.R.Hubbard, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone, or Lady Gaga — these books are the perfect gift for that flight attendant in your life.
If Beyoncé can do it — so can I!
One of my favorite things about Facebook is the On This Day feature. I love looking back to see where I was, or what I was thinking — or doing — on a specific day. This morning while sitting on the patio drinking my coffee, I came across a comment from 2013 where someone asked me to write a post about air conditioning etiquette on the airplane. What do I do if it’s too cold? What do I do when I’m sweating my balls off? Why is there mist coming into the airplane? Are we all gonna die?
You know, the important questions that float across your mind while sitting in your middle seat squished between some young guy wearing shorts, a tank top, and flip flops and some old lady covering herself in three wool sweaters.
My first suggestion is… BE NICE! Be nice to your flight attendant when inquiring about the temperature on the airplane. I can’t stress this enough, so I will say it again, in big bold letters — BE NICE TO YOUR FLIGHT ATTENDANT WHEN INQUIRING ABOUT THE TEMPERATURE ON THE AIRPLANE!
VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!
Please take a moment to read these fantastic stories submitted by readers of the Flight Attendant Joe blog. The winner (the person with the most votes) will receive a signed autograph copy of my recently released book, Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts.
They obviously want to win if they sent in their stories. So please take the time to read these stories. They are terrific. Also, please only vote once. Don’t be cheating… or I’ll pour hot coffee on your genitals the next time you are in coach.
Deadline to vote is end of day on September 9, 2016. Please leave your vote on Facebook OR on this blog thread. Vote by subission number.
Do you have an amazing flight attendant story? A bitch flight attendant who served you stale nuts? A brave flight attendant who carried you out of a burning airplane? Someone you worked with who made your skin crawl? Share your story for a chance to win.
Prize: An Autographed copy of Fasten Your Seat Belts and Eat Your Fucking Nuts
- Must be 18 years old to enter
- Must have a US mailing address to receive prize
- Write your story in the body of an email to email@example.com
- Try to keep entries under 300 words
- The finalists will be posted on the Flight Attendant Joe blog and voted on by readers
- Let me know in your email if you do not want your real name published with your story.
- Entries must be received by Friday, August 26, 2016
- Now… get your ass to writing them stories!
A short 5 minute video of a reading from Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts.
This is a test run. It’s kinda brutal… be kind.
Last week was pretty brutal. Actually, brutal is an understatement; it felt more like getting a blow job by someone with braces who doesn’t know how to cover their teeth with their lips.
Ouch is right!
Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts is published. Finally!
Some of you have been waiting about as long as I have. For you who have waited all these years, I thank you.
But now what? What’s on my agenda now? I’ve never written a book so I honestly don’t know the path that a real published author takes. By the way, I fucking LOVE saying that. I say it to myself in the mirror. I say it when I wake up in the morning. I say it while stuck in traffic or standing in line at the grocery store.
What do you do after you write a tell-all, candid, and inappropriate flight attendant book?
You read it live for people!