The 50 Types of Airline Passengers!

 

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There are countless types of airline passengers running around the airport. So many that I could never name them all.  This is just a fraction of the type of people I interact with on any given day. I am not going to say that all passengers are horrific and should have a season of American Horror Story named after them – that would be cruel.

Maybe just an episode. 

1. The Catholic Priest: Walks on the airplane with his bible, holy water, and NAMBLA membership card. Asks the flight attendant in charge, “God bless you. Where’s the children traveling alone section?”

2. The Almost Dead Guy: This guy shouldn’t even be out of the hospital let alone on an airplane. But here he is – pulse barely palpable, respiratory rate at three, while his equally aged wife tells you, “Oh no. He’s fine. He’s always blue.”

3. The Smart Ass: Walks onto the airplane and says with a smirk, “Are you gonna grab a beer and go down the slide?”

4. The Pig: Leaves so much trash in their row you’d think TLC was filming an episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo .

5. The Single Mom: Everyone on the airplane feels bad for her but hates her screaming children. She is pregnant and already has two kids with no husband or baby daddy, The other passengers send around an airsickness bag to collect money to help her out – the flight attendant grabs a wire hanger and opens up their flight attendant manual to the Abort Flight section.

6. The Ebola Victim: This guy has a fever, chills, sweats, a ferocious stomach ache, and just landed from Sierra Leone. When he’s questioned he insists it was the chicken wings he ate at the JFK airport that made him sick.

7. The Crybaby: This bitch cries for everything – including if she can’t reach the air vent. She cries for dented Diet Coke cans, bags of nuts with too many almonds, and milk that hasn’t spilled yet.

8. The Lavatory User: This plump lady ignores the seat belt sign and uses the lavatory ten times during a one hour long flight. The airplane lavatory smells like trout left out in the sun.

9. The Seat Belt Violator: The moment the airplane lifts off the ground they remove their seat belt like it’s been dipped in the saliva of a recent West African tourist.

10. The Friendly Guy: This guy is friendly but not overly annoying. He asks simple questions, “How are you today? Where do you layover? Have you joined the mile high club?”

11. The Yoga Master: Stretches herself all over the galley and wears her yoga pants so tight you don’t need to be deaf to read her lips.

12. The Hasidic Jewish Family: They come on with two babies but leave with three. Don’t worry, they didn’t leave a placenta in the seat back pocket in row twelve. The third baby is just a blanket concealing all the cans of Coke Zero they asked for on their flight to Ft. Lauderdale. 

13. The Sports Nut: This dude walks on the airplane and gruffly says, “I hope you get ESPN because the game is on and I’ll be pissed if I miss it.” Fast forward thirty minutes into the flight and his television is the only one inoperative with no empty seats for him to move.

14. The Nymphomaniac: This guy thinks groping was included in his ticket price. He spends so much time in the lavatory he could make a crepaper rose for all the passengers and Crew with his left over sticky tissues.

15. The Trash Collector: It doesn’t matter how many times the flight attendant goes through the cabin collecting trash this person hoards their cups and napkins. It’s so bad Oscar The Grouch would kick this guy to the curb.

16. The Over-packer:  This lady is going away for the weekend but from the bags she’s lugging behind her on the airplane you’d think she was a contestant on Big Brother.

17. The Late Arrival: The flight delays for this guy and as he strolls onto the airplane he say, “Saving the best for last, right? Can I get some water?”

18. The Drinker: Walks on the airplane half in the bag and is told by the gate agent, the flight attendants, and the pilots that he will not be served alcohol. He agrees. Five minutes after departure he rings his call bell and asks, “What kind of alcohol do you serve? I need a drink.”

19. The Service Pet Owner: This lady can barely take a step but gets dragged through the airport by a German shepherd mix named Moose. She walks on the airplane like she owns it, inconveniencing the entire row where she’s seated, and ignorantly continues watching Live with Kelly & Michael after Moose violently expels Eukanuba out of his asshole into the aisle.

20. The Illiterate: This fool was able to drive to the airport, park their car, get to the ticket counter, get through TSA, get coffee from Starbucks, and find the departure gate but walks on the airplane with their boarding pass and asks, “Where’s my seat?”

21. The Indecisive: Can’t make up their mind on what drink to order even though there is a menu in their seat back pocket. They spend five minutes decided between a Diet Coke or orange juice – and choose Hot Tea with lemon.

22. The Tattle-Tale: The guy sitting across from this lady is on his cell phone when he’s not suppose to be. She’s throwing up gang signs trying to get your attention while you taxi to the runway. All you see are thumbs, fingers, facial ticks, and the whites of her eyes like she’s wearing out her pink rabbit vibrator.

23. The Instigator: Trying to initiate a riot anytime something is odd during the flight. “Why are we not taking off? What are you not telling us? We need answers! I’m recording this on my phone for YouTube.”

24. The Disney Family: These passengers should just stay the fuck home. Mother, father, four children under the age of ten, and all dragging a carry on and personal item onto the airplane. That’s 12 bags and a phone call to the divorce lawyer when they get home.

25. The British Disney Family: Same as above – just add bad teeth and $15,000 for a week long vacation.

26. The Loud Cell Phone User: Chats away on their cell phone thinking it’s perfectly alright to let everyone in his section know that he just nailed a male prostitute in the airport restroom.

27. The Smoker: Even though smoking is prohibited on the airplane this passenger has no self control. The flight attendant has to knock on the lavatory door in a panic because it looks like someone’s smoking brisket in the back lavatory.

28. The Bad Parent: They can’t control their child. They throw their hands up and tell the flight attendant, “You do something about this. He won’t listen to me.” This is how children end up making socks in China.

29. The Hooker: She tries to pay you for her double vodka and soda with a crisp $100 bill. She also considers her labia her personal carry on item.  

30. The Stinky Foot: Gets on the airplane and immediately takes off their stinky Nike Airs.  Fifteen minutes into the flight the stench of mustard gas takes over the aircraft cabin and the flight attendant contacts the flight deck to alert them about a terrorist attack.

31. The I’m Not Wearing Deodorant: Spends weeks at an Alaskan work camp and forgets that bathing is not an option. It’s a must. The airplane smells like skunks are fighting over rotten meat at row 22A and service is cancelled for the rest of the flight.

32. The Asshole: This guys is a total douche nozzle. He keeps his feet in the aisle, lets his fat flow into the aisle, starts fights with passengers who recline their seats, and all because he has a small dick.

33. The Complainer: This lady won’t shut the fuck up. She grumbles about anything and everything including overhead bin space and lack of it. It’s an overhead bin – not a walk in closet. Who let Mariah Carey on this flight?

34. The Asian: Boarded the airplane thinking they are contestants on the game show Stare Off. Every question asked to them results in a blank stare and zero facial expression. “How are you?” Stare. “Can I get you anything?” Stare. “Do you have bird flu?” Stare.

35. The Miracle: This middle aged lady can barely walk from the wheelchair to the airplane when she’s boarding the flight but by the time the airplane lands she is doing cartwheels off the airplane and using her cane as a baton.

36. The Snorer: Forgets that there are 199 other people on the flight and spends the entire flight drooling, snoring, and kicking the person sitting next to them.

37. The Thief: While the flight attendants are doing drink service this passenger gets up and get his sticky hands caught in the liquor cart, “What? This is not self service?

38. The Coffee Drinker: It’s 0200 and this 65 year old lady asks for a freshly brewed cup of coffee… Decaf!

39. The Retired Pilot: Ninety years old with a severe case of Alzheimer’s. Walks on asking to see the pilots credentials and says, “If the pilots need a break – I flew the Pan AM Clipper back in ‘36.”

40. The Gay Married Mormon: This guy has six kids and a wife who failed at Jenny Craig. He prances down the airplane aisle more flamboyant than Liberace singing into a diamond studded microphone. His wife can’t tell. His children can’t tell. The Latter Day Saints can’t tell. But his boyfriend can.

41. The Pet Carrier Lady: This bitch is traveling with her pet and deafer than Marlee Matlin. You have to tell this chick 1,000 times to zip her dog up in the carrier during the entire flight. But she has selective hearing. She hears, “May I get you something to drink?” but not, “Please put your dog into the carrier.” 

42. The Non-Revenue Flight Attendant: Walks on the airplane like you are old friends but you’ve never met this person in your entire life. Dressed like they just stepped out of a three some. Hair a mess. Ripped jeans. Asks you, “Can you buy me a drink? Do you have some headphones? What food options do you have?” And it’s 0600 and you haven’t even had a sip of coffee.

43. The Overdramatic Black Lady: You know her the moment she walks on the airplane. Nose up in the air like someone’s hiding KKK hoods in the airplane closet. You smile. She doesn’t. She’s angry. And you don’t blame her. Everything’s a problem. The seats too tight. It’s too cold. You think you’ve got Oprah on the flight. You wait for her to get a call that someone’s died so she can pass out in the aisle. Then the call bell rings. When you answer it she says, “Why am I sitting all the way in the back?” 

44. The Breakup Couple: These two lovebirds board in New York City happy and passionate for each other but somewhere over Nebraska things start getting uncomfortable. By the time the airplane lands in Seattle they never want to see each other again. She’s crying. He’s embarrassed. He leaves the airplane first and asks her to stay seated so they don’t have to walk through the airport together. You expect she’ll kill him within the next 24 hours.

45. The Underaged Minor: These kids drive you crazy. Cocky brats. Think they know everything and don’t have to pay attention. You want to slap the shit out of him/her but they don’t belong to you. Everything is a a roll of the eyes and a smirk. “Have you flown before?” Roll of the eyes. “Do you need some headphones?” Smack of the gum. “Would you like me to kick you so hard you never have children?” For some reason – that makes them cry. 

46. The Stripper: She dresses like a whore and thinks she’s seated in the pole dancing section. The pilots can barely manage their instruments while they watch her struggle with her tits down the aisle.

47. The Comic: He lives for the moment he can get on the PA and do his low budget act.  

48. The Mile High Club: These fuck bunnies can’t get enough of each other. Always looking for the next place to do it. They have a blanket at their seat… but they get caught. She tries getting on her knees but realizes the carpet is filthy. They try and sneak into the airplane lavatory but unless they have the body of two stick figures – it’s gonna be difficult.

49. The Bartender: Sneaks their own alcohol onto the airplane. The fact that they order four orange juices at midnight is a dead giveaway. That and when they start handing you alcohol minis that you’ve never served on your airplane. 

50. The Perfect Passenger: Checks their large bag. Walks on with a smile. Has no children. Knows how to read a boarding pass. Finds their seat. Sits down and fastens the seat belt. Bag under the seat in front of them. Smiles. Thanks the flight attendant. Orders a beverage properly and only gets up to use the lavatory when the seat belt sign is off. Hands you all their trash. Smiles. Thanks you. Walks off the airplane with a smile and a final, “That was a wonderful flight. Thank you.”

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