Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts is published. Finally!
Some of you have been waiting about as long as I have. For you who have waited all these years, I thank you.
But now what? What’s on my agenda now? I’ve never written a book so I honestly don’t know the path that a real published author takes. By the way, I fucking LOVE saying that. I say it to myself in the mirror. I say it when I wake up in the morning. I say it while stuck in traffic or standing in line at the grocery store.
I say it after having fantastic sex with myself.
What? We are suppose to keep our egos in check in the public eye — what I do on my own time is my own fucking business. Right? If I want to wake up and say, “Good morning, you handsome published author,” you bet your ass I will.
So back to my plan now that the book is out. I will:
A.) Market the hell out of it
B.) Have my manager book as many live readings to get the word out there
C.)Beg people on social media to share the book (which I have been doing like a hungry hooker)
D.) Finalize the paperback and have that up for readers
E.) Go back to work next week and get poked and spoken to like shit as if my life hasn’t changed this week
F.) Start Book 2
Sound like a busy plan. Let’s hope it all comes together.
Last week was quite a ride. While juggling around nuts, Sprites, and angry assholes at 38,000 feet — and working numerous express flights — I received word from my manager, Garon, that the ebook was ready for upload. I’m indebted to him for all his hard work and time. Thank you, Garon. At one point, I was about to lose my shit. Panic and stressed over uploading my manuscript to the formatting company, he stepped up and took over everything. He’s the one who uploaded it to all the distributors and had it ready for downloads on July 14. He’s an angel.
An early release wasn’t the plan. FYSAEYFN was suppose to be released on July 21, but after realizing the ebook would be ready early — we decided to make it available asap. That Thursday morning, Garon had been sending me texts after texts informing me different sites had the book up and running. All this was too much to handle. I had to calmy breath while flying all around the Northeast. It was available on iTunes first, and then Kobo. I had no fucking clue what Kobo was. Sorry, Canada. I didn’t. Then the big one came… Amazon. I almost shit myself.
When he messaged me informing me we were live on Amazon, I was beside myself. I wanted to stand up and scream out at the top of my lungs, but I was standing in the flight attendant lounge in Cleveland and that might have not gone over well. No need to be removed for a psych eval on the happiest day of your life.
He texted me, “Where are you? I want to remember where you are the day your book was published.”
I answered, “Sweating my ass off in the Cleveland flight attendant lounge.”
I made a quick ad and then posted it to my Facebook page. It was available for immediate download.
Then I worked one of the worst flights — and diversions — I’ve worked in years. You’ll just have to wait for book 2 on that story. Sorry.
While sitting in the flight attendant lounge I felt like I was literally going to explode out of my uniform. Flight attendants and pilots meandered around the room while I chatted up with an old friend I flew with years prior. Actually, I was his flight attendant supervisor at one point. Don’t worry – all them supervisor stories are coming soon, trust me. While we chatted about his upcoming wedding and travel plans, my brain was buzzing with excitement. I wanted to scream out, “I JUST PUBLISHED MY BOOK!” but I didn’t. No need to be tacky. Does David Sedaris act like that in public?
God, I hope not.
So I sat there smiling. Talking and smiling while behind the scenes my entire life was changing. And that it has. FYSAEYFN has stayed at the top of the Kindle ebook charts on Amazon and we currently have 14 reviews all with a 5 star rating. It’s incredible. I am humbled, shocked, and in disbelief that readers are loving this book.
My friend Mike called me yesterday and said, “I don’t want you to be insulted but, this book is really good. I didn’t think it would be this good. I mean… it’s REALLY good. I love it. I can’t put it down.”
I get butterflies in my stomach just uttering those words. We all want to create something that people will enjoy — I never thought people would enjoy it this much.
Thank you all!