VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!
Please take a moment to read these fantastic stories submitted by readers of the Flight Attendant Joe blog. The winner (the person with the most votes) will receive a signed autograph copy of my recently released book, Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts.
They obviously want to win if they sent in their stories. So please take the time to read these stories. They are terrific. Also, please only vote once. Don’t be cheating… or I’ll pour hot coffee on your genitals the next time you are in coach.
Deadline to vote is end of day on September 9, 2016. Please leave your vote on Facebook OR on this blog thread. Vote by subission number.
“February, 1993 I boarded a Northwest flight from SFO to MPS connecting to RST, I was kind of numb. As I boarded, the flight attendant greeted me like an old friend, and we both realized that I had been on the same flight a month previous, she asked me if was okay, I said no. I asked her if he remembered the tall, long haired beard guy I was with last time. She said yes. I told her that I was bringing my partner to his family to be buried. She grabbed my hand and asked where I was sitting. I told her and made my way blindly to my seat. Not long after take off she appeared from the First Class cabin with a large cup of what looked like apple juice. She came down the aisle and stopped at my seat and handed me the cup and said I think you might need this. It was a BIG serving of whiskey. She told me that if I needed anything else to let her know. I cried a little more. Drank the big cup of liquid courage and relaxed, and fell asleep for a while. I had been sleeping much since Rich had died a week previously. He and I had made his last trip home for Christmas knowing that the end was near but not quite realizing that he would be gone so soon.
“About 6 months ago an elderly woman boarded with her emotional support animal. Bullshit! the old bitch just didn’t want to pay for her pet! During boarding the dog starts whining, so she takes it to the forward lav. When she came out, the smell was godawful because the dog had shit on the floor. She had actually cleaned it up but that didn’t really matter because the smell was still there.” I don’t know what’s wrong with him… he must just be nervous…he never does…this we fly all the time”. Bullshit lady! I fly all the time… you fucking fly once a fucking year!! Fast forward an hour or so into the 3.5 hour flight… we have a really long line waiting for the lavs in the back. FA#1 called to tell us that the dog blew up the forward lav again and it had to be blocked off. Smelled like a fucking outhouse had exploded. All of a sudden she’s plowing people down, trying to get to the head of the line for the lav, with the dog in the carrier, and screaming about it’s all our fault.
She claims the dog never does this, we have done something to cause her dog to shit all over the place, and “what am I supposed to do with this?”
I tell her she has to clean it up. She proceeds into the lav, with the crying dog in the carrier. The next thing I know, the door flies open, she’s screaming bloody murder, and the dog ,still inside the carrier, is literally down in the toilet bowl! The dog’s leash is wrapped around the toilet seat! not the lid, the seat!! the dog is about to strangle itself trying to get out of the toilet and she’s standing there screaming like an idiot bitch. I tell her to move so that I can try and get the dog out and she won’t move! she just keeps screaming about how this is all my fault. I finally grabbed her arm and moved
her out of the way so I could get the dog’s leash untangled and get it out of the toilet. As I hand her the dog she starts screaming that she’s going to sue me for hitting her! Get the fuck outta here bitch! The police will be meeting you when we land and you will be put on our no fly list, meaning you will never fly on this airline again!! Afterwards, we laughed hysterically but it was not a bit fucking funny when it was happening! We thought the oxygen masks were going to deploy the smell was so bad throughout the cabin!!! #theshitwehavetoendure!!”
Submitted by TUB (The Ultimate Bitch)
“In 1973 as a 22 year old reserve stewardess, I went where the airline’s schedulers sent me and when. After working a flight from Atlanta to San Diego, I had just fallen asleep in my hotel room when the telephone rang. Scheduling instructed me to get back to the airport for the midnight departure to Atlanta due to another crewmembers sudden illness. As instructed I raced to the waiting aircraft – a jumbo jet B-747. Once onboard the lineholder flight attendants informed me I would be working the penthouse which was booked full with passengers.
Now the only access to the penthouse was a winding staircase and there were no meal ovens up there. I would be carrying meal trays up and down that winding staircase all night. Yes, those devious senior mamas had stuck it to the young reserve.
During boarding I awaited the penthouse passengers, but only two men boarded and quietly took their seats. As I went to them to take their beverage order, I gasped immediately recognizing one of the men as actor Burt Reynolds. It only got better from there as no other passengers entered the penthouse area. Burt Reynolds and his traveling companion had booked the entire penthouse for the flight, and they would be my only passengers for the long flight back to Atlanta!
It was a memorable evening with two charming passengers that is fondly remembered over forty years later. Yes, there really are good airline spirits that hand out favors for young reserves!”
Submitted by Ann F.
“At a previous employer, I had a little notice flight from Omaha to Dallas. The flight was at o’dark thirty, and an attendant was greeting passengers as they were boarding. I could hear her greeting everyone with her best cheeriness as I walked down the jetway. She would change her greeting to Spanish for people she thought were Hispanic. I thought to myself, “I’m going to have some fun with this.” When she greeted me (in English), I mustered my best German to reply, “Guten morgen. Wie geht’s?” Out of nowhere, she replied back to me in German!! I swung my head around to look at her name tag, and it informed me that her name was Olga and that she was originally from Germany!!! I wasn’t expecting to be called out on my rusty German. Turns out she was posted in the rear galley right across the aisle from my middle seat. Well, we carried on a conversation in my very rough broken German during taxi and takeoff. After we got airborne, she disappeared to the front of the plane. When she returned, she surprised me by handing me a mimosa. She grabbed the drink cart and headed to the middle of the plane to start beverage service. I could feel the eyes of everyone around me wondering why I’m so special to get a drink before them. When she got back to us, she gave me another drink. We talked some more and that flight made for one of my best last-minute flights ever.”
Submitted by A.G.