Archive for August, 2017

10 Things You Should Never Do On Your Flight

It’s absolutely true that there are citizens of the planet Earth who have NEVER stepped foot onto an airplane. It’s shocking, but it’s accurate. I don’t get it, but it’s the truth. It’s mind-blowing and bizarre, but so was the election of Donald J. Trump. These “new” flyers are easy to spot because they walk on the airplane as if they are stepping onto the bridge of the U.S.S Enterprise. It’s a Boeing 737, not a space cruiser. It’s like watching a straight guy enter a gay club for the first time. They step off the jet bridge, walk a few feet inside the airplane, and their eyes grow wider than mine when I see Halo Top ice cream on sale at the grocery store. (Have you tried Halo Top? It’s life changing.) It’s so new they can’t contain themselves. They giggle. They point. They look in the flight deck and they usually need help reading their boarding pass. It’s almost too much for some of these passengers. As these newbies step on, and I greet them with a smile, I often feel the urge to politely remind them that (a) this is not a space ship and (b) we’re on our way to San Diego and NOT Europa. Can you imagine that flight? I complain about working a flight from JFK to Las Vegas, Talk about sore fucking feet. Oy vey! 

There are hundreds — thousands? — of lists for airline passengers out there, I can’t even keep up. Honestly, I’ve written my share, and guess what — I’ve written another one. This one is for people who need a friendly reminder about a few basics they should never be found guilty of on a flight, whether it’s a flight to: London, Honolulu, or — if you are reading this in 2284 — the dwarf planet, Ceres.

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