Welcome to Flight Attendant Joe.
First off, thank you for visiting my barely successful blog. I am about as excited as a gay male cheerleader taken to prom by the high school quarterback.
If you don’t know — that’s REALLY excited!
I’m sure the question on your mind is who is this Flight Attendant Joe? That’s why you are here, right? To find out. Or maybe you just clicked on here by mistake. Maybe you thought this was a porn site. I wish it was, but me naked is not something you want to see online. Trust me.
Here’s my short little story, without the dick pics!
In 2008, I applied, interviewed, and was hired on as a flight attendant for a major airline in the United States. It wasn’t an easy life transition. No sir. I was fat. I was 35 years old. I was fat. Did I mention I was fat? I was. Two hundred and sixty pounds of fat trying to squeeze into a flight attendant uniform and walk down the aisle without knocking into each passenger’s arm.
It was difficult, but I made it through training. I also lost some weight. Not a lot, just enough to not get stuck in an airplane lavatory.
After getting over my fear of flying (yes, I was actually afraid to fly), I slapped on a pair of wings and started flying for free. Of course, traveling is not for everyone. I know this because my job requires me to transport people from Maine to Nebraska and from Mexico to California. It’s all in a days work for me but, honestly, most of society hates the entire process; from packing their overstuffed bags (do you really need ten shirts for a three day weekend?), lugging two car seats plus kids around (have you seen Home Alone?) to delays that seem will last an eternity.
They hate it.
I, on the other hand, love it. Sure, there are days when I can’t stand dealing with passengers and I want to punch them in their genitals until they squirt Diet Coke out of their nose, but everyone in the customer service industry wants to do that, right?
On the really bad days — and there are many — I want to shake soda cans and watch from the sidelines as an unfriendly bitch opens it. When that happens, I remind myself that I fly for free, get quick access through the gates of hell (aka TSA), and stay in hotels for free. It’s incredible. And it also gives me so much material to write about and share with my readers. Side note: I’ve never shaken a soda can. I may be snarky, but I am not a vicious beast.
So what’s my goal for Flight Attendant Joe? What will I share? Why spend your time reading Flight Attendant Joe and following me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram? My goal is simple, to make you laugh. Or piss you off. If I’m lucky, a little of both.
A few years ago, I began compiling stories together for my first book. (Yes, this is the book plug portion. Daddy has to sell some books.) By the grace of the universe, and the fact that I worked my ass off for three years, my book has finally been self published. My book, Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts is available for purchase on eBook (Kindle|iBooks|Nook|Kobo) and paperback.
Have you bought it yet? I will wait…
Done? Good. I can continue.
Here’s a few other things to know about Flight Attendant Joe:
- I say fuck a lot.
- Scratch that, I say all bad words a lot.
- I am unapologetic with my humor and comedy.
- My obsession for cats makes up for my love of the word fuck. That’s what I tell myself.
- My mother is dead. Don’t feel bad, unless you killed her. If you did, your name must be Liver Cancer.
- I hate cilantro. It tastes like lemon soap. I also hate lemon soap.
- I like saying the word dick instead of cock. Cock just sounds so… filthy.
- I fantasize about being Kathleen Turner’s character Joan Wilder from Romancing the Stone and writing books on a sailboat. That’s after fighting Colombian drug lords and kicking around Danny Devito.
- I am gay. If that upsets you, but the other stuff I’ve spit out doesn’t — you are on the wrong blog.
- My mother had an abortion after she had me. I’m so grateful, I’d have hated sharing my toys.
Thank you for checking out Flight Attendant Joe. And for purchasing my book… which we’ve already established you’ve done.
Flight Attendant Joe
Now for the serious shit; I will not share on this blog (or in my hilariously funny debut book) any information on the ins and outs of my airline. I won’t even mention their name. This is to protect me, my job, and my airline. Thank you for understanding. And don’t be a dick and try to out me… because I will deny the shit out of it and then slap your tits until they turn bright red and fall off. Seriously, I will hit you that hard!