Drama: Southwest Airlines Pilot Arrested at STL with loaded gun in carry on bag.

I know for a fact (or maybe I just made this up) that there are probably flight attendants out there who are afraid to bring their vibrators to work on a four day trip for fear of them falling out of their bag in the TSA line.

Not this pilot… he brought a loaded weapon.

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Dear Journal, it’s me… Flight Attendant Joe

I’m back writing in a journal again. To be honest, I haven written in a journal in months. Possibly a year. I’m disappointed that I haven’t kept up this tradition. But after starting again while I was on vacation, I’m writing in it daily. I had stopped journaling because I became annoyed with writing it out on paper. My hand would cramp up. I don’t want carpal tunnel because I like to write. And, who actually writes anymore? This isn’t 1964. I found a new journal app that I can use on my phone AND my laptop so… I’m back in business. 

When I journal, I don’t think about what I’m writing. I just let it flow. When I’m done, I go back and read it. If it’s something I want to share, I’ll start sharing it on the blog. I’m actually contemplating publishing my vacation journal as a short story. We shall see.

Do you keep a journal? It’s extremely cathartic. Try it.

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10 Things You Should Never Do On Your Flight

It’s absolutely true that there are citizens of the planet Earth who have NEVER stepped foot onto an airplane. It’s shocking, but it’s accurate. I don’t get it, but it’s the truth. It’s mind-blowing and bizarre, but so was the election of Donald J. Trump. These “new” flyers are easy to spot because they walk on the airplane as if they are stepping onto the bridge of the U.S.S Enterprise. It’s a Boeing 737, not a space cruiser. It’s like watching a straight guy enter a gay club for the first time. They step off the jet bridge, walk a few feet inside the airplane, and their eyes grow wider than mine when I see Halo Top ice cream on sale at the grocery store. (Have you tried Halo Top? It’s life changing.) It’s so new they can’t contain themselves. They giggle. They point. They look in the flight deck and they usually need help reading their boarding pass. It’s almost too much for some of these passengers. As these newbies step on, and I greet them with a smile, I often feel the urge to politely remind them that (a) this is not a space ship and (b) we’re on our way to San Diego and NOT Europa. Can you imagine that flight? I complain about working a flight from JFK to Las Vegas, Talk about sore fucking feet. Oy vey! 

There are hundreds — thousands? — of lists for airline passengers out there, I can’t even keep up. Honestly, I’ve written my share, and guess what — I’ve written another one. This one is for people who need a friendly reminder about a few basics they should never be found guilty of on a flight, whether it’s a flight to: London, Honolulu, or — if you are reading this in 2284 — the dwarf planet, Ceres.

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Flight Attendant Joe Stories: Traveling With A Lap Child

I did NOT take this picture. I am not that old. I am not even old enough to be that kid. Photo provided by SAS Scandinavian Airlines

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a post for the blog. I am truly sorry.

Let me clarify, that apology is not directed towards readers. It’s an apology to myself for not posting more on the blog and for not sticking to a promise I made when the calendar struck 2017. It was a simple promise, a promise where I said I’d post at least once a week on the blog. 

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Dear Airline Passengers… It’s National Flight Attendant Day

Why Do People Get So Crazy Once They Are On The Airplane?

In all my years as a flight attendant, the one question that always floats around my mind is, “Why do these people get so crazy on the airplane?”

Is it the recirculated air? The entire TSA process (which who could blame them)?Having their toothpaste and water bottles thrown into the trash at security like ticking time bombs?

What is it? Why the fuck do people turn into lunatics once they walk onto the airplane? More…

Fight Club: Air Nippon Airways Edition

Photo by The Japan Times.

When will all the crazy airline madness end?

Probably never.

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Woman dragged off Delta Airlines flight. Don’t let this happen to you.

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Photo by Flight Attendant Joe

According to CBS News, a female passenger was removed from a Delta flight early Monday morning in Detroit Metropolitan Airport. Flight 2083, bound for San Diego, had a slight delay after police were called to assist with the removal of a woman who refused to leave the airplane.

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Try To Remember Happy Thoughts During Times of Devastation!

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I am so fucking angry today. Beyond angry. I can’t even cry about what happened in Orlando. There are no tears; just anger. Anger for the deaths. Anger for the families left grieving the lost of their loved ones. Anger over religious fanatics. Anger over religion in general. Anger over terrorism and the fear these fuckers have brought upon us. Anger regarding the innocent lives lost early this morning. Anger about people killing in the name of God. Anger! Anger! Anger! Just plan– good old fashion– fucking anger!

These killings are not done in the name of God. They are done because of mental illness and because some human beings on this fucking planet make animals in the wild look tame. 

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Flight Attendant Stories: Not All Flight Attendants Are Drug Smugglers

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Not all flight attendants are drug smugglers. And not all pilots are pimps… although most act like they are.

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Southwest Flight 1665 From Sacramento to Denver diverts to Oakland

 

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On December 27, 2015, Southwest Airlines flight 1665, a scheduled service flight from Sacramento to Denver, diverted to Oakland earlier in the afternoon. KCRA reports that it was due to a cabin pressurization issues.

The aircraft landed safely in Oakland and all the passengers were placed on a different airplane and continued their journey to Denver. 

The passengers had no issues with the aircraft diverting. We all know that airplanes divert for many reasons. Fuel. Weather. A broken lav filled with too much shit.

No, these passengers were pissed they had to land in Oakland. I wasn’t on the flight but I wouldn’t be surprised if many were heard screaming, “NOOOOO! Anywhere but Oakland. What about Fresno? Isn’t that closer.”

 

 

I write Jesus jokes – Get Over It!

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I’ve been pissing people off lately. I guess that comes with the territory of telling stories and writing inappropriate jokes. Right? My goal is to make people laugh but I guess if you have a cop’s nightstick up your ass – you won’t see that. I had to take a moment from writing my book – and pouring another glass of wine – to express myself in this blog post. 

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Have You Forgotten About 9/11?

 

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Do you remember what happened on September 11, 2001? Think back – it’s been 13 years. 

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The FAA Announces New Regulation For Personal Electronic Devices

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Our friends at the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) have eased up on their restrictions of when airline passengers can use their personal electronic devices (PED) on the airplane. For everyone involved this is a dream come true. No more will the flight attendant have to bark at their passengers to turn off cell phone and put away iPads because once this new regulation goes into effect passengers will be able to use their PEDs from gate-to-gate.

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10 Things You Need To Know Before Your Next Flight!

 

When you hear your flight attendant say, “Ladies & Gentlemen, Welcome aboard…” it really means, “Hey – shut the fuck up and pay attention.”

This is true. Flight attendants work hard to protect their passengers and all people want to do is ignore them, think that they are only there to serve cokes and nuts, and lift their incredibly heavy bags. This is not the case. The flight attendant is actually there for your SAFETY – the rest is just nuts in a bag.

Not every passenger is this rude and impolite on an airplane. Some people actually say, “Thank you,” “Please,” and “I brought my own water – I’m alright, ” but the remaining millions of you – here are a few tips on how to act when you get through TSA and run up to the gate demanding, “Why is my flight late??”

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