Dear Journal, it’s me… Flight Attendant Joe

I’m back writing in a journal again. To be honest, I haven written in a journal in months. Possibly a year. I’m disappointed that I haven’t kept up this tradition. But after starting again while I was on vacation, I’m writing in it daily. I had stopped journaling because I became annoyed with writing it out on paper. My hand would cramp up. I don’t want carpal tunnel because I like to write. And, who actually writes anymore? This isn’t 1964. I found a new journal app that I can use on my phone AND my laptop so… I’m back in business. 

When I journal, I don’t think about what I’m writing. I just let it flow. When I’m done, I go back and read it. If it’s something I want to share, I’ll start sharing it on the blog. I’m actually contemplating publishing my vacation journal as a short story. We shall see.

Do you keep a journal? It’s extremely cathartic. Try it.

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10 Things You Should Never Do On Your Flight

It’s absolutely true that there are citizens of the planet Earth who have NEVER stepped foot onto an airplane. It’s shocking, but it’s accurate. I don’t get it, but it’s the truth. It’s mind-blowing and bizarre, but so was the election of Donald J. Trump. These “new” flyers are easy to spot because they walk on the airplane as if they are stepping onto the bridge of the U.S.S Enterprise. It’s a Boeing 737, not a space cruiser. It’s like watching a straight guy enter a gay club for the first time. They step off the jet bridge, walk a few feet inside the airplane, and their eyes grow wider than mine when I see Halo Top ice cream on sale at the grocery store. (Have you tried Halo Top? It’s life changing.) It’s so new they can’t contain themselves. They giggle. They point. They look in the flight deck and they usually need help reading their boarding pass. It’s almost too much for some of these passengers. As these newbies step on, and I greet them with a smile, I often feel the urge to politely remind them that (a) this is not a space ship and (b) we’re on our way to San Diego and NOT Europa. Can you imagine that flight? I complain about working a flight from JFK to Las Vegas, Talk about sore fucking feet. Oy vey! 

There are hundreds — thousands? — of lists for airline passengers out there, I can’t even keep up. Honestly, I’ve written my share, and guess what — I’ve written another one. This one is for people who need a friendly reminder about a few basics they should never be found guilty of on a flight, whether it’s a flight to: London, Honolulu, or — if you are reading this in 2284 — the dwarf planet, Ceres.

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Dear Airline Passengers… It’s National Flight Attendant Day

Just A Wedding Comedian In Kansas City

Photograph provided by Nicole Bissey from Nicole Bissey Photography.

It’s been almost three months since I’ve written a new blog post. With the holidays, marketing Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts, writing a second book, writing a television show, emceeing a wedding, starting a stand up career, being married, and having two extremely needy cats… I’m kinda shocked that I haven’t run away to go live in the mountains.

Holy shit! I forgot to add flying around in an airplane collecting stories for future books. I still do that. What a minute? That came out wrong. I meant to say, flying around in an airplane providing award winning service to thousands of airline passengers going from point A to point B.

That’s what I meant… in case anyone from my airline is reading this.

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Things Your Flight Attendants Are Responsible For That Might Surprise You

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The next time you board a flight you might want to thank your flight attendant for not only the drink and food service they provide, but for all the other important things they are trained to do. The important, behind the scenes, kinda shit. The stuff that I’m waiting for during the entire flight. If you think that handing out Diet Cokes and nuts is the only reason we are there, you are sadly mistaken.

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Nine Reasons To Fall In Love With The Whitney Peak Hotel — Reno, Nevada

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I love a handsomely decorated, reasonably priced, friendly boutique hotel. These hotels are my favorite. Most travelers believe if a hotel falls under the boutique hotel guidelines their room will be the size of a walnut. That is not always the case.

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Road Trip Stories – Taxi Ride in Savannah

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Most people hate the thought of driving long distance. I love it. There is nothing better than the wide open road, loud music, and my horrific singing voice belting out every female vocal song ever recorded. Well, not all female vocals, I do believe there was some Lionel Richie happening while driving on I-95 through Richmond.

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A Google Christmas!

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A “spray paint” computerized board for artists – and not so good artists – to display their talents.

The airline industry is a harsh environment. With rising fuel prices and competition from every corner of the globe it’s a surprise that some airlines stay in business – without having to merge with another airline.

If you work for the airlines hopefully you understand that money doesn’t come pouring out of the engines. It also doesn’t grow out of the artificial trees at the airport gates. Airlines struggle and make do which means that as an employee we don’t really get showered with gifts. During the holidays we work, get fed a nice holiday meal, and if we are lucky – get paid double time to work on select holidays.

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An Airline Safety Demonstration Brought To You By Joie

 

 

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After working a red eye from San Francisco to Boston the other night I missed my non-stop commute back to San Francisco. Instead of hating every living creature on the planet, or specifically the passenger who had the worst perm in the world and was the reason I missed my commute, I took a flight to Las Vegas and then took another airline to San Francisco.

Lost? Me too.

I sat there listening to the flight attendant safety demo and my creative comedic juices starting flowing. Not the juices you are thinking of – those are messy and rarely happen now that I am over 40. I created this character in my head, from many different people I have worked with, and came up with Joie. When I have been awake for over 30 hours and exhaustion sets in – my creativity goes to an entirely different place. This is that place.

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13 Things To Know Before Using An Airplane Lavatory

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Many people who recently read my blog post about beverage ordering on an airplane were confused about why I would write a post like that? I got many comments, some negative but mostly positive, with the same question, “Do people really need help when ordering a Coke on an airplane?”

We know the answer now – YES.

Well, I hate to say it but passengers also need help and guidance when using the lavatory (lav). Here is the next installment and post from Flight Attendant Joe for passengers who need to use the lav on their next flight.

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Flight Attendant Stories: There Is No Joking In The Airport

Some people don’t know how to keep their mouths shut. Sure, they think they are being funny (everyone is a comedian), but most of the time they say something so stupid that lands them in the back of a cop car, in jail, or even worse, kicked off their flight home.

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Halloween in Salem, Massachusetts!

 

Welcome to Salem, Mass the weekend before Halloween!

I’ve always wanted to visit Salem during Halloween. Last year I had the opportunity to spend a few hours in Salem, during the off season, and it was like visiting a tropical island during a hurricane. It was a ghost town. Many attractions were closed and you could count the people meandering around the street on one hand.

Come during Halloween and it’s an entirely different experience; it’s more like Fantasy Fest in Kew West. The streets were inundated with the biggest Halloween enthusiasts I have ever had the privilege to bump elbows with. Every type of costume I could think of was making it’s debut on Essex Street and the crowd grew by the hundreds every hour that I was there.  I even saw the Pope hanging out with a witch. Looks like everyone gets along in Salem, Massachusetts!

It would seem that Halloween has become more of an adult adventure rather than a bunch of children parading the darkened streets in search of candy. What do you think? Do adults get more out of Halloween than children?

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Bloopers and Unseen Footage

Top Five Things To Do When Your Airplane Television is Inoperable.

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Have you ever went online to purchase an airline ticket and specifically searched for an airline that was equipped with a television? Not just any television but a television at your seat, one that you wouldn’t have to share with anyone.

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What’s My Flight Attendant Thinking About?

 

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Traveling is not fun.  Gone are the days when the traveling public happily arrived at the airport, boarded a jumbo jet, and were whisked off to some lavish destination where all their troubles vanished underneath tall palm trees and inside minty mojitos.

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