On the last trip I worked — over the Christmas/Hannukah holiday — I worked with a flight attendant who came to work sick. Billy was more than sick, he looked like he was about to die.
Do you hear that clock ticking? No… it’s not your biological clock. Or maybe it is — I don’t know. If so, that’s something you will have to discuss with someone else. I am here to talk about the clock that’s ticking towards the holiday season. Whether you celebrate or worship: Hanukkah, Jesus Christ, Mohammad, Kwanzaa, L.R.Hubbard, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone, or Lady Gaga — these books are the perfect gift for that flight attendant in your life.
If Beyoncé can do it — so can I!
VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!
Please take a moment to read these fantastic stories submitted by readers of the Flight Attendant Joe blog. The winner (the person with the most votes) will receive a signed autograph copy of my recently released book, Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts.
They obviously want to win if they sent in their stories. So please take the time to read these stories. They are terrific. Also, please only vote once. Don’t be cheating… or I’ll pour hot coffee on your genitals the next time you are in coach.
Deadline to vote is end of day on September 9, 2016. Please leave your vote on Facebook OR on this blog thread. Vote by subission number.
Do you have an amazing flight attendant story? A bitch flight attendant who served you stale nuts? A brave flight attendant who carried you out of a burning airplane? Someone you worked with who made your skin crawl? Share your story for a chance to win.
Prize: An Autographed copy of Fasten Your Seat Belts and Eat Your Fucking Nuts
- Must be 18 years old to enter
- Must have a US mailing address to receive prize
- Write your story in the body of an email to firstname.lastname@example.org
- Try to keep entries under 300 words
- The finalists will be posted on the Flight Attendant Joe blog and voted on by readers
- Let me know in your email if you do not want your real name published with your story.
- Entries must be received by Friday, August 26, 2016
- Now… get your ass to writing them stories!
Last week was pretty brutal. Actually, brutal is an understatement; it felt more like getting a blow job by someone with braces who doesn’t know how to cover their teeth with their lips.
Ouch is right!
Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts is published. Finally!
Some of you have been waiting about as long as I have. For you who have waited all these years, I thank you.
But now what? What’s on my agenda now? I’ve never written a book so I honestly don’t know the path that a real published author takes. By the way, I fucking LOVE saying that. I say it to myself in the mirror. I say it when I wake up in the morning. I say it while stuck in traffic or standing in line at the grocery store.
Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts is now available for instant purchase and download on iTunes, Amazon, Kobo, and COMING SOON: Nook.
One reviewer already wrote:
“Joe Thomas takes us on a bawdy, tipsy tour through the world of flight attendants. Behind all the polite smiles and “buh-byes” what are our flight attendants really thinking about us as we walk off the plane? What kind of war stories have they seen dealing day after day confined to a metal tube with the traveling public? How many dick jokes do they tell when they get off work? (A lot) Can you be a flight attendant if you’re afraid to fly? (Yes) The chapter Operation Tomato Ass is my favorite and that title should tell you everything you need to know about this book. Leave your sensitivities at the door, because it’s full of dirty jokes, inappropriate humor, curse words, and a general disregard for anyone who takes themselves too seriously. If that sounds like your thing, especially if you’re a traveler or work in the industry, then you need to read this book.”
iTunes: Look under Joe Thomas or type out Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts
Paperback for purchase COMING SOON!
Today has been exhausting. After a long day boating and swimming yesterday, I flew to JFK last night and spent the night in the flight attendant crew lounge.
I barely slept two hours.
After working three express flights this morning, I ended the work day in Syracuse. I was tired, slightly cranky, and in need of a shower and a nap. I set my alarm for one hour and ended up hitting snooze twice before throwing myself out of the bed and heading down to Dinosaur BBQ.
All of that is pretty boring, right? Those are manageable problems compared to things people are faced with in the world. Being a flight attendant isn’t always glamorous and fast-paced, sometimes it’s boring as fuck.
Then, on my way back to the hotel from the restaurant, something happened.
I am so humbled by this advanced reading review of Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts. Seriously, humbled. I read this standing in the grocery store line and almost started crying. There is nothing scarier than being a creative person and putting your words out for the world to judge. When I read negative feedback from people I often think, “And what the fuck are YOU doing? Nothing! So shut the fuck up!”
This first review means a lot to me. First off, this is a dear friend. Second, she is an actor (who has actually been on television–I’ve just been on an airplane serving Diet Cokes), a writer, a stand up comedian, an acting coach and educator, and so much more.
On days when I feel low and the world is beating the shit out of me, I will remember these kind words regarding my first publication. (Side note: my manager is cringing because I wrote “regarding”. Apparently, he hates that word.)
The other day I posted a story on the Flight Attendant Joe Facebook page about an interaction with a passenger. The female passenger sitting in 6C… the story went like this:
A female passenger ordered a hot tea and said, “I’m sorry.”
I responded, “Why are you sorry?”
“Well, whenever I fly, I order a hot tea and the flight attendants roll their eyes. I know you guys hate making hot beverages.”
“Oh no,” I said leaning in towards her, “it’s no problem. I’m sorry that’s happened to you. I’ll make you ten hot teas if you want.”
We both laughed. Later in the flight she ordered a red wine.
When I brought it to her I said, “I’m going to buy your wine for you tonight. Think of it as an apology for all the flight attendants that have rolled their eyes at you.”
Imagine this scenario… You are the flight attendant working a red eye flight from Seattle to Detroit. All your passengers board the flight and nothing seems out of the ordinary. You take off, complete beverage service, and retreat back to the galley to read your book. All 200 passengers are quiet. When it’s your turn to do a security check, you make your way down the aisle and notice a slight commotion at row 17. When you approach the row, 17A is slurring his words, yelling obscenities, and is punching the seat in front of him.
There are countless types of airline passengers running around the airport. So many that I could never name them all. This is just a fraction of the type of people I interact with on any given day. I am not going to say that all passengers are horrific and should have a season of American Horror Story named after them – that would be cruel.
Maybe just an episode.