10 Years Later… What Does Being A Flight Attendant Mean To Me?

Today is the day, the day that I’ve been thinking about for — let’s see? — I guess 10 years. 

The day when I have officially been employed as a flight attendant for a decade. I remember back in 2008 saying, “Wow. If I’m still here in 10 years, it will be 2018 and I will be 45 years old.”

I am still a flight attendant and all those other statements are still true.

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Man Sexually Assaults Woman on Spirit Flight

 

I recently wrote a post about a United passenger who smeared his shit all over the airplane. I joked, “He had already spread his shit all over the place, what’s left — fingerbanging a flight attendant and trying to break into the flight deck?

I had no clue that last week, on a Spirit Airlines flight, a male passenger actually attempted that exact thing. Not with a flight attendant but a female passenger.

Yes, he attempted the old  — fingerbang while the person next to me is sleeping — game.  

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United Airlines Has A Sh&!ty Passenger!

Do you really need to have — not spread my shit all over an airplane lavatory — as a resolution for the new year?

Most of us don’t, but one guy does.

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Drama: Southwest Airlines Pilot Arrested at STL with loaded gun in carry on bag.

I know for a fact (or maybe I just made this up) that there are probably flight attendants out there who are afraid to bring their vibrators to work on a four day trip for fear of them falling out of their bag in the TSA line.

Not this pilot… he brought a loaded weapon.

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National Coming Out Day 2017… Flight Attendant Joe’s Story

It’s National Coming Out Day. I just learned that it was founded in the United States in 1988. That’s interesting because that’s actually the year I came out, but I had no idea it was actually a “thing” to come out.
 
Here’s my story…

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10 Things You Should Never Do On Your Flight

It’s absolutely true that there are citizens of the planet Earth who have NEVER stepped foot onto an airplane. It’s shocking, but it’s accurate. I don’t get it, but it’s the truth. It’s mind-blowing and bizarre, but so was the election of Donald J. Trump. These “new” flyers are easy to spot because they walk on the airplane as if they are stepping onto the bridge of the U.S.S Enterprise. It’s a Boeing 737, not a space cruiser. It’s like watching a straight guy enter a gay club for the first time. They step off the jet bridge, walk a few feet inside the airplane, and their eyes grow wider than mine when I see Halo Top ice cream on sale at the grocery store. (Have you tried Halo Top? It’s life changing.) It’s so new they can’t contain themselves. They giggle. They point. They look in the flight deck and they usually need help reading their boarding pass. It’s almost too much for some of these passengers. As these newbies step on, and I greet them with a smile, I often feel the urge to politely remind them that (a) this is not a space ship and (b) we’re on our way to San Diego and NOT Europa. Can you imagine that flight? I complain about working a flight from JFK to Las Vegas, Talk about sore fucking feet. Oy vey! 

There are hundreds — thousands? — of lists for airline passengers out there, I can’t even keep up. Honestly, I’ve written my share, and guess what — I’ve written another one. This one is for people who need a friendly reminder about a few basics they should never be found guilty of on a flight, whether it’s a flight to: London, Honolulu, or — if you are reading this in 2284 — the dwarf planet, Ceres.

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Flight Attendant Stories: The Knee Surgery Passenger

When I arrived at the gate to work the Dominican Republic flight, I saw a note on the manifest stating a passenger was requesting an entire row because he recently had knee surgery. It was a full flight. I brought this up to the gate agent and he said, “Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.”

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Flight Attendant Joe Stories: Traveling With A Lap Child

I did NOT take this picture. I am not that old. I am not even old enough to be that kid. Photo provided by SAS Scandinavian Airlines

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a post for the blog. I am truly sorry.

Let me clarify, that apology is not directed towards readers. It’s an apology to myself for not posting more on the blog and for not sticking to a promise I made when the calendar struck 2017. It was a simple promise, a promise where I said I’d post at least once a week on the blog. 

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Why Do People Get So Crazy Once They Are On The Airplane?

In all my years as a flight attendant, the one question that always floats around my mind is, “Why do these people get so crazy on the airplane?”

Is it the recirculated air? The entire TSA process (which who could blame them)?Having their toothpaste and water bottles thrown into the trash at security like ticking time bombs?

What is it? Why the fuck do people turn into lunatics once they walk onto the airplane? More…

Fight Club: Air Nippon Airways Edition

Photo by The Japan Times.

When will all the crazy airline madness end?

Probably never.

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Just A Wedding Comedian In Kansas City

Photograph provided by Nicole Bissey from Nicole Bissey Photography.

It’s been almost three months since I’ve written a new blog post. With the holidays, marketing Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts, writing a second book, writing a television show, emceeing a wedding, starting a stand up career, being married, and having two extremely needy cats… I’m kinda shocked that I haven’t run away to go live in the mountains.

Holy shit! I forgot to add flying around in an airplane collecting stories for future books. I still do that. What a minute? That came out wrong. I meant to say, flying around in an airplane providing award winning service to thousands of airline passengers going from point A to point B.

That’s what I meant… in case anyone from my airline is reading this.

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Flight Attendant Stories: Airline Call In Sick Policies Are Kinda Bullshit

On the last trip I worked — over the Christmas/Hannukah holiday — I worked with a flight attendant who came to work sick. Billy was more than sick, he looked like he was about to die.

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Flight Attendant Joe reads at the OutWrite Book Festival 2016

Photo credit to OutWrite Book Festival 2016
Photo credit to OutWrite Book Festival 2016

My nerves were shot. Palms sweaty. And I was short of breath before even walking into the D.C. Center.

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Strange Interaction in Syracuse

Snapchat-4139789787598663040

Today has been exhausting. After a long day boating and swimming yesterday, I flew to JFK last night and spent the night in the flight attendant crew lounge. 

I barely slept two hours.

After working three express flights this morning, I ended the work day in Syracuse. I was tired, slightly cranky, and in need of a shower and a nap. I set my alarm for one hour and ended up hitting snooze twice before throwing myself out of the bed and heading down to Dinosaur BBQ.

All of that is pretty boring, right? Those are manageable problems compared to things people are faced with in the world. Being a flight attendant isn’t always glamorous and fast-paced, sometimes it’s boring as fuck.

Then, on my way back to the hotel from the restaurant, something happened.

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Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts — Coming July 21, 2016

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I am so humbled by this advanced reading review of Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts. Seriously, humbled. I read this standing in the grocery store line and almost started crying. There is nothing scarier than being a creative person and putting your words out for the world to judge. When I read negative feedback from people I often think, “And what the fuck are YOU doing? Nothing! So shut the fuck up!”

This first review means a lot to me. First off, this is a dear friend. Second, she is an actor (who has actually been on television–I’ve just been on an airplane serving Diet Cokes), a writer, a stand up comedian, an acting coach and educator, and so much more.

On days when I feel low and the world is beating the shit out of me, I will remember these kind words regarding my first publication. (Side note: my manager is cringing because I wrote “regarding”. Apparently, he hates that word.)