Just A Wedding Comedian In Kansas City

Photograph provided by Nicole Bissey from Nicole Bissey Photography.

It’s been almost three months since I’ve written a new blog post. With the holidays, marketing Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts, writing a second book, writing a television show, emceeing a wedding, starting a stand up career, being married, and having two extremely needy cats… I’m kinda shocked that I haven’t run away to go live in the mountains.

Holy shit! I forgot to add flying around in an airplane collecting stories for future books. I still do that. What a minute? That came out wrong. I meant to say, flying around in an airplane providing award winning service to thousands of airline passengers going from point A to point B.

That’s what I meant… in case anyone from my airline is reading this.

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Flight Attendant Stories: Airline Call In Sick Policies Are Kinda Bullshit

On the last trip I worked — over the Christmas/Hannukah holiday — I worked with a flight attendant who came to work sick. Billy was more than sick, he looked like he was about to die.

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Flight Attendant Joe reads at the OutWrite Book Festival 2016

Photo credit to OutWrite Book Festival 2016
Photo credit to OutWrite Book Festival 2016

My nerves were shot. Palms sweaty. And I was short of breath before even walking into the D.C. Center.

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Strange Interaction in Syracuse

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Today has been exhausting. After a long day boating and swimming yesterday, I flew to JFK last night and spent the night in the flight attendant crew lounge. 

I barely slept two hours.

After working three express flights this morning, I ended the work day in Syracuse. I was tired, slightly cranky, and in need of a shower and a nap. I set my alarm for one hour and ended up hitting snooze twice before throwing myself out of the bed and heading down to Dinosaur BBQ.

All of that is pretty boring, right? Those are manageable problems compared to things people are faced with in the world. Being a flight attendant isn’t always glamorous and fast-paced, sometimes it’s boring as fuck.

Then, on my way back to the hotel from the restaurant, something happened.

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Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts — Coming July 21, 2016

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I am so humbled by this advanced reading review of Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts. Seriously, humbled. I read this standing in the grocery store line and almost started crying. There is nothing scarier than being a creative person and putting your words out for the world to judge. When I read negative feedback from people I often think, “And what the fuck are YOU doing? Nothing! So shut the fuck up!”

This first review means a lot to me. First off, this is a dear friend. Second, she is an actor (who has actually been on television–I’ve just been on an airplane serving Diet Cokes), a writer, a stand up comedian, an acting coach and educator, and so much more.

On days when I feel low and the world is beating the shit out of me, I will remember these kind words regarding my first publication. (Side note: my manager is cringing because I wrote “regarding”. Apparently, he hates that word.)

 

Flight Attendant Stories: Stop Trying To Figure Strangers Out

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The other day I posted a story on the Flight Attendant Joe Facebook page about an interaction with a passenger. The female passenger sitting in 6C… the story went like this:

A female passenger ordered a hot tea and said, “I’m sorry.”
I responded, “Why are you sorry?”
“Well, whenever I fly, I order a hot tea and the flight attendants roll their eyes. I know you guys hate making hot beverages.”
“Oh no,” I said leaning in towards her, “it’s no problem. I’m sorry that’s happened to you. I’ll make you ten hot teas if you want.”
We both laughed. Later in the flight she ordered a red wine.
When I brought it to her I said, “I’m going to buy your wine for you tonight. Think of it as an apology for all the flight attendants that have rolled their eyes at you.”

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Try To Remember Happy Thoughts During Times of Devastation!

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I am so fucking angry today. Beyond angry. I can’t even cry about what happened in Orlando. There are no tears; just anger. Anger for the deaths. Anger for the families left grieving the lost of their loved ones. Anger over religious fanatics. Anger over religion in general. Anger over terrorism and the fear these fuckers have brought upon us. Anger regarding the innocent lives lost early this morning. Anger about people killing in the name of God. Anger! Anger! Anger! Just plan– good old fashion– fucking anger!

These killings are not done in the name of God. They are done because of mental illness and because some human beings on this fucking planet make animals in the wild look tame. 

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Flight Attendant Stories: Not All Flight Attendants Are Drug Smugglers

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Not all flight attendants are drug smugglers. And not all pilots are pimps… although most act like they are.

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10 Halloween Costumes For The Airline Enthusiast

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Here are ten fantastic costumes inspired by the airline industry that you can easily throw together to make a scene at any Halloween party. You should be able to find most of these items quickly in your closet, the neighbor’s trash bin, or at the Goodwill (You may have to borrow a wheelchair from a nursing home but just be sure to bring it back).

Follow the instructions under each header and have FUN!

Drunk Pilot (Male)

Whore Flight Attendant (Female)

Sassy Gay Flight Attendant (Male or Transitioning Male2Female

Bitchy Butch Gate Agent (Female)

Thug Ground Operations Guy (Male)

TSA Agent Thief

Islamic Terrorist

Spoiled Brat Toddler (Male or Female)

Wheelchair Airline Passenger (Female)

Airline CEO (Male)

Side note – if you get arrested for impersonating an airline employee or any of these costumes – don’t blame me!

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How Living As A Temporary Disabled Person Has Changed Me For The Better!

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Have you ever noticed people parking in handicap parking spaces who shouldn’t be there? People with no handicap sticker.  No handicap license plate. No tag hanging perfectly in the rear view mirror. 

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Things Your Flight Attendants Are Responsible For That Might Surprise You

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The next time you board a flight you might want to thank your flight attendant for not only the drink and food service they provide, but for all the other important things they are trained to do. The important, behind the scenes, kinda shit. The stuff that I’m waiting for during the entire flight. If you think that handing out Diet Cokes and nuts is the only reason we are there, you are sadly mistaken.

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Flight Attendant Charges Passengers For Sex to Join The Mile High Club

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In all honestly – this sign says NOTHING about not fucking.

I read an article this past week that had me checking to make sure I wasn’t reading The Onion and that I wasn’t taking too many pain killers after surgery. Negative on both accounts.

According to HNGN.com, a flight attendant working for an undisclosed airline in the Middle East was caught having sex with passengers for money. On the airplane. In the lavatory. What the hell?

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Flight Attendant Joe Prepares For Ankle Surgery, Vicodin, and Lots Of Pain!

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Pre-operation appointment. Masking my fear with fake smiles and a plastic foot.

Dramatic post title, right? To be honest, I wanted to grab some attention. That’s how I am feeling at this exact moment… dramatic and craving attention. 

I’m having ankle surgery this morning at 1110 (PST) and my anxiety level is through the roof. It’s been 24 years since I’ve been under the knife and my fears have kept me on edge since late last week. As I throw on my sweat shorts, t-shirt, and flip flops and head for the hospital, my mind is counting down the hours until this is all over so I can down some Vicodin and relax.

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Azealia Banks Calls Flight Attendant A “Fucking Faggot” on Delta Flight.

Screenshot taken from Twitter.
Screenshot taken from Twitter.

It’s definitely a rough week for flight attendants. Agreed?

TMZ.com reports that rapper Azealia Banks got into a verbal/physical scuffle with a flight attendant and passenger on a Los Angeles bound Delta flight late Monday night. 

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Airline Passenger Records Unwell Southwest Airlines Flight Attendant And Posts Video on YouTube

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A few days ago I got a text from a friend with a link to an online story regarding a Southwest Airlines flight attendant who was apparently falling asleep on his jump seat while attempting to make an announcement over the intercom.

I read the article, watched the video, and immediately thought that something wasn’t right. Something was weird about the entire situation. You don’t have to be a doctor to know when something seems “off” about someone. I learned that from junior high health class. 

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