What do you do after you write a tell-all, candid, and inappropriate flight attendant book?
You read it live for people!
Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts is now available for instant purchase and download on iTunes, Amazon, Kobo, and COMING SOON: Nook.
One reviewer already wrote:
“Joe Thomas takes us on a bawdy, tipsy tour through the world of flight attendants. Behind all the polite smiles and “buh-byes” what are our flight attendants really thinking about us as we walk off the plane? What kind of war stories have they seen dealing day after day confined to a metal tube with the traveling public? How many dick jokes do they tell when they get off work? (A lot) Can you be a flight attendant if you’re afraid to fly? (Yes) The chapter Operation Tomato Ass is my favorite and that title should tell you everything you need to know about this book. Leave your sensitivities at the door, because it’s full of dirty jokes, inappropriate humor, curse words, and a general disregard for anyone who takes themselves too seriously. If that sounds like your thing, especially if you’re a traveler or work in the industry, then you need to read this book.”
iTunes: Look under Joe Thomas or type out Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts
Paperback for purchase COMING SOON!
Today has been exhausting. After a long day boating and swimming yesterday, I flew to JFK last night and spent the night in the flight attendant crew lounge.
I barely slept two hours.
After working three express flights this morning, I ended the work day in Syracuse. I was tired, slightly cranky, and in need of a shower and a nap. I set my alarm for one hour and ended up hitting snooze twice before throwing myself out of the bed and heading down to Dinosaur BBQ.
All of that is pretty boring, right? Those are manageable problems compared to things people are faced with in the world. Being a flight attendant isn’t always glamorous and fast-paced, sometimes it’s boring as fuck.
Then, on my way back to the hotel from the restaurant, something happened.
I am so humbled by this advanced reading review of Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts. Seriously, humbled. I read this standing in the grocery store line and almost started crying. There is nothing scarier than being a creative person and putting your words out for the world to judge. When I read negative feedback from people I often think, “And what the fuck are YOU doing? Nothing! So shut the fuck up!”
This first review means a lot to me. First off, this is a dear friend. Second, she is an actor (who has actually been on television–I’ve just been on an airplane serving Diet Cokes), a writer, a stand up comedian, an acting coach and educator, and so much more.
On days when I feel low and the world is beating the shit out of me, I will remember these kind words regarding my first publication. (Side note: my manager is cringing because I wrote “regarding”. Apparently, he hates that word.)
The other day I posted a story on the Flight Attendant Joe Facebook page about an interaction with a passenger. The female passenger sitting in 6C… the story went like this:
A female passenger ordered a hot tea and said, “I’m sorry.”
I responded, “Why are you sorry?”
“Well, whenever I fly, I order a hot tea and the flight attendants roll their eyes. I know you guys hate making hot beverages.”
“Oh no,” I said leaning in towards her, “it’s no problem. I’m sorry that’s happened to you. I’ll make you ten hot teas if you want.”
We both laughed. Later in the flight she ordered a red wine.
When I brought it to her I said, “I’m going to buy your wine for you tonight. Think of it as an apology for all the flight attendants that have rolled their eyes at you.”
Phoenix is so damn HOT the citizens of Mercury wouldn’t even visit. You know your city is too fucking hot when aliens from another planet won’t invade for fear of landing in Arizona. In the summer, the temperature easily reaches 95 degrees before 10 a.m. Be sure to bring plenty of water with you when you venture out. Seriously, you can never have enough water. You’ll drink more water on a one mile walk in Phoenix than in any other city in the United States (well… except for Las Vegas. Actually, in Las Vegas you’ll be drinking vodka). As long as you have water and walk in the shade you might actually survive the blazing temperatures. And I mean blazing!
Imagine this scenario… You are the flight attendant working a red eye flight from Seattle to Detroit. All your passengers board the flight and nothing seems out of the ordinary. You take off, complete beverage service, and retreat back to the galley to read your book. All 200 passengers are quiet. When it’s your turn to do a security check, you make your way down the aisle and notice a slight commotion at row 17. When you approach the row, 17A is slurring his words, yelling obscenities, and is punching the seat in front of him.
There are countless types of airline passengers running around the airport. So many that I could never name them all. This is just a fraction of the type of people I interact with on any given day. I am not going to say that all passengers are horrific and should have a season of American Horror Story named after them – that would be cruel.
Maybe just an episode.
Have you ever sat in your airplane seat, parked at the arrival gate, and wondered, “Why the fuck is it taking so long to get off this airplane?”
You are not the only one.
We were five minutes from landing in Denver when a male passenger got out of his seat, walked to the back of the airplane, and locked himself in the lavatory.
Boarding is a crucial part of air travel and I HATE IT! I love my job but I hate boarding. I’m not ashamed of this confession. Boarding sucks. Ask any flight attendant. I could serve drinks, nuts, and smiles for 14 hours a day and be happier than an eight year old who still breastfeeds. It only takes one boarding for me to wish I had hair so I could pull it out in the back galley. With that said, there will probably be a few dumb asses who comment on my blog (or Facebook page) about me hating my job, being a horrible flight attendant, and that I should get a different job.
I’d probably kick them off my airplane for being bitches. Can I do that? If not – I’d try.
Some passengers board the airplane when they should really just stay seated at the gate area. For whatever reasons – I’ve actually listed them below – passengers will act like fools before the airplane has departed from the gate. True statement. These passengers struggle to control themselves for the mere 40 minutes it takes to board the airplane and pull away from the gate. They fail. Any of the actions listed below that occur before the airplane door is closed will most likely result in your ass being kicked off the airplane.
Side note – this post is related to incidents that happen before the airplane has pulled away from the gate or still on the tarmac. If any of this shit happens while the airplane is airborne – you are pretty much cooked and I hope you have your lawyer on speed dial. In the air, these actions will most likely result in you being arrested.
You have been warned. Continue for adult content jokes and inappropriate things that you probably shouldn’t read.