Posts tagged ‘airline passengers’

10 Things You Should Never Do On Your Flight

It’s absolutely true that there are citizens of the planet Earth who have NEVER stepped foot onto an airplane. It’s shocking, but it’s accurate. I don’t get it, but it’s the truth. It’s mind-blowing and bizarre, but so was the election of Donald J. Trump. These “new” flyers are easy to spot because they walk on the airplane as if they are stepping onto the bridge of the U.S.S Enterprise. It’s a Boeing 737, not a space cruiser. It’s like watching a straight guy enter a gay club for the first time. They step off the jet bridge, walk a few feet inside the airplane, and their eyes grow wider than mine when I see Halo Top ice cream on sale at the grocery store. (Have you tried Halo Top? It’s life changing.) It’s so new they can’t contain themselves. They giggle. They point. They look in the flight deck and they usually need help reading their boarding pass. It’s almost too much for some of these passengers. As these newbies step on, and I greet them with a smile, I often feel the urge to politely remind them that (a) this is not a space ship and (b) we’re on our way to San Diego and NOT Europa. Can you imagine that flight? I complain about working a flight from JFK to Las Vegas, Talk about sore fucking feet. Oy vey! 

There are hundreds — thousands? — of lists for airline passengers out there, I can’t even keep up. Honestly, I’ve written my share, and guess what — I’ve written another one. This one is for people who need a friendly reminder about a few basics they should never be found guilty of on a flight, whether it’s a flight to: London, Honolulu, or — if you are reading this in 2284 — the dwarf planet, Ceres.

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Flight Attendant Stories: The Knee Surgery Passenger

When I arrived at the gate to work the Dominican Republic flight, I saw a note on the manifest stating a passenger was requesting an entire row because he recently had knee surgery. It was a full flight. I brought this up to the gate agent and he said, “Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.”

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Fight Club: Air Nippon Airways Edition

Photo by The Japan Times.

When will all the crazy airline madness end?

Probably never.

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Man Dragged Off United Express Flight, Don’t Let It Happen To You

According to The Huffington Post, a man was physically removed from his United Express* flight on Sunday morning. Flight #3411 from Chicago to Louisville was overbooked and a few passengers had to be taken off the flight. Apparently, United was looking for one volunteer to give up their seat, which came with a $400 voucher and a hotel stay. Sadly, nobody took the offer so the airline had to choose someone. From my past experience (I wasn’t there so please don’t quote me) the last passengers to check in are usually the ones who are asked to leave.

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Woman dragged off Delta Airlines flight. Don’t let this happen to you.

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Photo by Flight Attendant Joe

According to CBS News, a female passenger was removed from a Delta flight early Monday morning in Detroit Metropolitan Airport. Flight 2083, bound for San Diego, had a slight delay after police were called to assist with the removal of a woman who refused to leave the airplane.

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Vote For Your Favorite Flight Attendant Story!

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VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!

Please take a moment to read these fantastic stories submitted by readers of the Flight Attendant Joe blog. The winner (the person with the most votes) will receive a signed autograph copy of my recently released book, Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts.

They obviously want to win if they sent in their stories. So please take the time to read these stories. They are terrific. Also, please only vote once. Don’t be cheating… or I’ll pour hot coffee on your genitals the next time you are in coach.

Deadline to vote is end of day on September 9, 2016. Please leave your vote on Facebook OR on this blog thread. Vote by subission number.

Thank you.
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Flight Attendant Joe Stories: Changing Someone’s Day

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Last week was pretty brutal. Actually, brutal is an understatement; it felt more like getting a blow job by someone with braces who doesn’t know how to cover their teeth with their lips.

Ouch is right!

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Flight Attendant Stories: Stop Trying To Figure Strangers Out

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The other day I posted a story on the Flight Attendant Joe Facebook page about an interaction with a passenger. The female passenger sitting in 6C… the story went like this:

A female passenger ordered a hot tea and said, “I’m sorry.”
I responded, “Why are you sorry?”
“Well, whenever I fly, I order a hot tea and the flight attendants roll their eyes. I know you guys hate making hot beverages.”
“Oh no,” I said leaning in towards her, “it’s no problem. I’m sorry that’s happened to you. I’ll make you ten hot teas if you want.”
We both laughed. Later in the flight she ordered a red wine.
When I brought it to her I said, “I’m going to buy your wine for you tonight. Think of it as an apology for all the flight attendants that have rolled their eyes at you.”

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What You Should Know About Bringing Liquor on Your Next Flight

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Imagine this scenario… You are the flight attendant working a red eye flight from Seattle to Detroit. All your passengers board the flight and nothing seems out of the ordinary. You take off, complete beverage service, and retreat back to the galley to read your book. All 200 passengers are quiet. When it’s your turn to do a security check, you make your way down the aisle and notice a slight commotion at row 17. When you approach the row, 17A is slurring his words, yelling obscenities, and is punching the seat in front of him. 

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The 50 Types of Airline Passengers!

 

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There are countless types of airline passengers running around the airport. So many that I could never name them all.  This is just a fraction of the type of people I interact with on any given day. I am not going to say that all passengers are horrific and should have a season of American Horror Story named after them – that would be cruel.

Maybe just an episode. 

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10 Tips For Deplaning Your Next Flight

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Have you ever sat in your airplane seat, parked at the arrival gate, and wondered, “Why the fuck is it taking so long to get off this airplane?”

You are not the only one.

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Flight Attendant Stories: The Lavatory Bandit

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We were five minutes from landing in Denver when a male passenger got out of his seat, walked to the back of the airplane, and locked himself in the lavatory.

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10 Things That Will Get You Kicked Off Your Flight… And Possibly Arrested!

 

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Boarding is a crucial part of air travel and I HATE IT! I love my job but I hate boarding. I’m not ashamed of this confession. Boarding sucks. Ask any flight attendant. I could serve drinks, nuts, and smiles for 14 hours a day and be happier than an eight year old who still breastfeeds. It only takes one boarding for me to wish I had hair so I could pull it out in the back galley. With that said, there will probably be a few dumb asses who comment on my blog (or Facebook page) about me hating my job, being a horrible flight attendant, and that I should get a different job. 

I’d probably kick them off my airplane for being bitches. Can I do that? If not – I’d try. 

Some passengers board the airplane when they should really just stay seated at the gate area. For whatever reasons – I’ve actually listed them below – passengers will act like fools before the airplane has departed from the gate. True statement. These passengers struggle to control themselves for the mere 40 minutes it takes to board the airplane and pull away from the gate. They fail. Any of the actions listed below that occur before the airplane door is closed will most likely result in your ass being kicked off the airplane.

Side note – this post is related to incidents that happen before the airplane has pulled away from the gate or still on the tarmac. If any of this shit happens while the airplane is airborne – you are pretty much cooked and I hope you have your lawyer on speed dial. In the air, these actions will most likely result in you being arrested. 

You have been warned. Continue for adult content jokes and inappropriate things that you probably shouldn’t read.

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Flight Attendant Stories: Sit Down When The Seatbelt Sign Is Illuminated

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Many airline passengers believe the flight attendants and pilots lie to them about having the seat belt sign illuminated. Now I know that there are some flight attendants out there (no names but you know who you are) who ask the pilots to keep the seat belt sign illuminated so passengers are forced to stay seated. I don’t agree with that. When it’s safe to turn off the seat belt sign – turn the damn thing off. I call bullshit on that type of behavior. But that’s me. Some flight attendants live by this rule. I’d rather have passengers up and using the lavatory while they are allowed instead of having to remind them over and over again that the seat belt sign is on. 

If you notice you’re halfway across the country on your way from Seattle to Philadelphia and the air outside the airplane is smooth as ice – and you still haven’t had the chance to get up – most likely your flight attendants have asked the pilots to keep it illuminated. Or the pilots simply forgot to shut it off. That happens. But the flight attendant should call them and say, “Can you turn that seat belt sign off? The guy in 22D’s eyes are turning yellow.”

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When Airline Passengers Shouldn’t Be In The Flight Attendant Galley

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Photo provided by Tim Powaleny. Check him out on IG @onthegotimbo or his webpage http://bosshep.tumblr.com/

After six long months of ankle surgery recovery I returned to work last week. Many people asked me what it was like returning after such a long hiatus. It literally felt the same. As if I had just worked the week prior. I didn’t expect it to be any different.

Although being a flight attendant has its excitement, most often it’s mundane work: I report to work, passengers board the airplane, they ignore me, poke at me, I hand out some drinks, a few bags of nuts, we land, I go to the hotel, and then repeat. 

It’s not like going to a lab researching the cure for a deadly disease. Now that would be exciting.

During this first trip back to work I was flying from the east coast to the west coast. It was a late flight. After service most of the passengers were settled in for the flight. They had their drinks. Their snacks. They were reading, watching their iPads, and most of them were napping. 

Most of them except 4D. 

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