Posts tagged ‘comedy’

Dear Journal, it’s me… Flight Attendant Joe

I’m back writing in a journal again. To be honest, I haven written in a journal in months. Possibly a year. I’m disappointed that I haven’t kept up this tradition. But after starting again while I was on vacation, I’m writing in it daily. I had stopped journaling because I became annoyed with writing it out on paper. My hand would cramp up. I don’t want carpal tunnel because I like to write. And, who actually writes anymore? This isn’t 1964. I found a new journal app that I can use on my phone AND my laptop so… I’m back in business. 

When I journal, I don’t think about what I’m writing. I just let it flow. When I’m done, I go back and read it. If it’s something I want to share, I’ll start sharing it on the blog. I’m actually contemplating publishing my vacation journal as a short story. We shall see.

Do you keep a journal? It’s extremely cathartic. Try it.

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10 Things You Should Never Do On Your Flight

It’s absolutely true that there are citizens of the planet Earth who have NEVER stepped foot onto an airplane. It’s shocking, but it’s accurate. I don’t get it, but it’s the truth. It’s mind-blowing and bizarre, but so was the election of Donald J. Trump. These “new” flyers are easy to spot because they walk on the airplane as if they are stepping onto the bridge of the U.S.S Enterprise. It’s a Boeing 737, not a space cruiser. It’s like watching a straight guy enter a gay club for the first time. They step off the jet bridge, walk a few feet inside the airplane, and their eyes grow wider than mine when I see Halo Top ice cream on sale at the grocery store. (Have you tried Halo Top? It’s life changing.) It’s so new they can’t contain themselves. They giggle. They point. They look in the flight deck and they usually need help reading their boarding pass. It’s almost too much for some of these passengers. As these newbies step on, and I greet them with a smile, I often feel the urge to politely remind them that (a) this is not a space ship and (b) we’re on our way to San Diego and NOT Europa. Can you imagine that flight? I complain about working a flight from JFK to Las Vegas, Talk about sore fucking feet. Oy vey! 

There are hundreds — thousands? — of lists for airline passengers out there, I can’t even keep up. Honestly, I’ve written my share, and guess what — I’ve written another one. This one is for people who need a friendly reminder about a few basics they should never be found guilty of on a flight, whether it’s a flight to: London, Honolulu, or — if you are reading this in 2284 — the dwarf planet, Ceres.

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Flight Attendant Stories: The Knee Surgery Passenger

When I arrived at the gate to work the Dominican Republic flight, I saw a note on the manifest stating a passenger was requesting an entire row because he recently had knee surgery. It was a full flight. I brought this up to the gate agent and he said, “Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.”

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Flight Attendant Joe Stories: Traveling With A Lap Child

I did NOT take this picture. I am not that old. I am not even old enough to be that kid. Photo provided by SAS Scandinavian Airlines

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a post for the blog. I am truly sorry.

Let me clarify, that apology is not directed towards readers. It’s an apology to myself for not posting more on the blog and for not sticking to a promise I made when the calendar struck 2017. It was a simple promise, a promise where I said I’d post at least once a week on the blog. 

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Dear Airline Passengers… It’s National Flight Attendant Day

Fight Club: Air Nippon Airways Edition

Photo by The Japan Times.

When will all the crazy airline madness end?

Probably never.

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Man Dragged Off United Express Flight, Don’t Let It Happen To You

According to The Huffington Post, a man was physically removed from his United Express* flight on Sunday morning. Flight #3411 from Chicago to Louisville was overbooked and a few passengers had to be taken off the flight. Apparently, United was looking for one volunteer to give up their seat, which came with a $400 voucher and a hotel stay. Sadly, nobody took the offer so the airline had to choose someone. From my past experience (I wasn’t there so please don’t quote me) the last passengers to check in are usually the ones who are asked to leave.

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Just A Wedding Comedian In Kansas City

Photograph provided by Nicole Bissey from Nicole Bissey Photography.

It’s been almost three months since I’ve written a new blog post. With the holidays, marketing Fasten Your Seat Belts And Eat Your Fucking Nuts, writing a second book, writing a television show, emceeing a wedding, starting a stand up career, being married, and having two extremely needy cats… I’m kinda shocked that I haven’t run away to go live in the mountains.

Holy shit! I forgot to add flying around in an airplane collecting stories for future books. I still do that. What a minute? That came out wrong. I meant to say, flying around in an airplane providing award winning service to thousands of airline passengers going from point A to point B.

That’s what I meant… in case anyone from my airline is reading this.

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Flight Attendant Stories: Airline Call In Sick Policies Are Kinda Bullshit

On the last trip I worked — over the Christmas/Hannukah holiday — I worked with a flight attendant who came to work sick. Billy was more than sick, he looked like he was about to die.

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Top 5 Books For That Special Flight Attendant In Your Life

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Do you hear that clock ticking? No… it’s not your biological clock. Or maybe it is — I don’t know. If so, that’s something you will have to discuss with someone else. I am here to talk about the clock that’s ticking towards the holiday season. Whether you celebrate or worship: Hanukkah, Jesus Christ, Mohammad, Kwanzaa, L.R.Hubbard, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone, or Lady Gaga — these books are the perfect gift for that flight attendant in your life. 

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Woman dragged off Delta Airlines flight. Don’t let this happen to you.

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Photo by Flight Attendant Joe

According to CBS News, a female passenger was removed from a Delta flight early Monday morning in Detroit Metropolitan Airport. Flight 2083, bound for San Diego, had a slight delay after police were called to assist with the removal of a woman who refused to leave the airplane.

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The Perfect Holiday Gift For That Flight Attendant & Pilot In Your Life

Flight Attendant Stories: Turning Lemons Into Lemonade!

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If Beyoncé can do it — so can I!

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Have you joined the Party?

PROMOPARTY

 

Click on the link below. Now Available:

iTunes

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Nook

Kobo

 

Enter The Flight Attendant Story Contest

FAContest (2)

Do you have an amazing flight attendant story? A bitch flight attendant who served you stale nuts? A brave flight attendant who carried you out of a burning airplane? Someone you worked with who made your skin crawl? Share your story for a chance to win.

Prize: An Autographed copy of Fasten Your Seat Belts and Eat Your Fucking Nuts

Contest Rules:

  • Must be 18 years old to enter
  • Must have a US mailing address to receive prize
  • Write your story in the body of an email to joe+fastories@flightattendantjoe.com
  • Try to keep entries under 300 words
  • The finalists will be posted on the Flight Attendant Joe blog and voted on by readers
  • Let me know in your email if you do not want your real name published with your story.
  • Entries must be received by Friday, August 26, 2016
  • Now… get your ass to writing them stories!